How many of you have ever been desperate for something? Raise your hands. One. Two… Three. I can see several hands, including mine. Well, when I was in primary school, there is this particular day thirsty struck me so hard that I could drink literary anything. It was the month of September when everything is dry. Going home in the evening, not only was there no water to drink, but there was no sign of water to even wash dishes. I picked a container and ran to our nearest river. During such period in the year, people from all over the location bring their cows to drink water in the river. Believe me you, I quenched my thirsty with the river water. Yes, it was dirty, discolored and smelly, but did I have any option? I just narrated a small instance of a desperate situation. Let us now look deeper into the issue.
Desperation is a noun which is formed from the word despair. According to dictionaries, desperation is a state of despair, typically one which results in rash or extreme behavior. It is the feeling when you have lost almost all hope or ability to; reach a goal, be in a relationship, have something etc. The word “hope” comes from a French term, espoir, which means to breathe. As a result, desperation symbolizes not just a lack of breathing but also the absence of “spirit”. Now, can I be more specific please?
DESPERATION IN RELATIONSHIPS: In person and online I have met many wonderful people who wish to be in a relationship with another person. They have so much to give, yet they find it difficult to connect. They see the problem as themselves, the people that they are pursuing, or they think of themselves as unlucky. These difficulty to connect can make someone desperate for a relationship. It usually happens when someone is exhausted searching for the “ONE”. Now, they become trapped with the idea of being in a relationship that they would take down all their gates, and basically, accept anyone without being picky.
Signs of a desperate person.
1. Constant availability: Whether it’s being available to chat online 24/7; responding immediately to every text, or being free to go on a date at a moment’s notice, being available all the time gives one clear message – you don’t have a life. I’m not advocating playing games, but it is important that you give time and attention to the rest of your life – your friends, family, hobbies etc. – and make dating only a small slice of the pie, which makes up your life, rather than the whole dish.
2. Being too agreeable: You may have experienced this yourself – the ‘yes’ person who wants your approval so badly that they will deny their own needs and feelings to get it. The trouble with someone like this is that you’ll never really be able to trust them or get close to them because, at a fundamental level, they are being dishonest with themselves and with you. If you find yourself agreeing to dates that you don’t want to go on, have difficulty saying no, put a great deal of effort into dates and are often left feeling frustrated and resentful because the amount of effort you put in doesn’t yield the rewards you want, it may be that you are suffering from a disease to please, which is being motivated more by your need for approval and your own desperation than by a genuine interest in the person you are dating.
3. Compromising your integrity and principles: Someone who is showing signs of desperation will often feel that they need to compromise in order to secure a lasting relationship. While it is important to be flexible and open to new possibilities, it starts to look desperate when you begin to let go of deeply held principles or begin to do things that compromise your integrity e.g. sleeping with someone on a first date because you just can’t bear to be single any longer. A desperate need to hold onto a relationship can also lead to you overlooking behavior that you find demeaning, insulting or even abusive. While you may feel that being compliant and easygoing will bring you the love you want, the reality is that you will probably end up being treated like trash because it will seem as though you have no self-respect. We teach people how to treat us and if we don’t respect ourselves, it is unlikely they will respect us either.
4. A need for compliments and reassurance: It is perfectly natural to want, and need, some reassurance that a relationship is progressing well but it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to keep asking your partner whether they are enjoying themselves. If they are making conversation, laughing, and seem happy to be there, relax and enjoy yourself without over-analyzing every gesture. Focus on whether you’re having a good time, rather than trying to get into their head and work out what is going on for them. Avoid making disparaging remarks about yourself e.g. ‘I look so fat in these trousers’ in the hope that they will contradict you with ‘No, you look great’ because a compliment gained in this way not only shows your insecurity, but puts pressure on the other person to say what you want to hear. A compliment that arises naturally does much more for your self-esteem. Learn how to accept a compliment graciously rather than using it as a hook to get more reassurance.
5. Getting too close for comfort: Even if a relationship went well on the first couple of months, there is still a danger that you can appear too keen if you don’t allow some space between you. Barraging someone with texts, phone calls and constantly asking what they are up to can make even the keenest match head for the door. Like an over-watered plant, too much attention will kill a relationship rather than help it to grow.
DESPERATION IN LIFE: Desperation in life can be caused by having too many wants. The problem with the desire for material possession is that they ever multiply and never reach an end. In fact, the fulfillment of one thing, merely begets the itch for another. This puts men on what modern scientists call the “hedonic treadmill”; once you make more money, or get a new possession, or reach a goal, it at first makes you happier, but then you adapt to the new circumstances. You’ve risen a level, but so have your expectations, so that your happiness falls right back to where it was in the first place. You then seek for another “hit” of pleasure, only to become similarly desensitized to it. And on the cycle goes; you always seem to be running after something, but you’re really just running in place, stuck in a wheel of desire. At the long run, you become a desperado. (A desperate person.)
Points on overcoming desperation
Shrug off negativity: “Whatever you think and feel creates everything that happens to you and that you experience in your life.” The first rule to live a better life is to choose your thoughts wisely. Frustration, anxiety and worries tend to chase you because negative thoughts evoke them. “I am a loser”, “I cannot do it”, “Life is hell”, such negative thoughts weaken motivation, spirit, dedication and positivity. It is paramount that you believe your ability. It would be best if you are confident that what you are doing is right and it will help you achieve your goals.
Value your principles: Of course, everything is essential in life – money, relations, work – but you must choose your beliefs when you have to choose between them. Many people do not mind compromising with their principles to achieve something in life, which can be money, luxury and fame, but it gives you pleasure for a short time. Sooner or later, your conscience will start criticizing you. Your guilt-ridden soul will not let you enjoy life.
Stop comparing yourself with others: Seeing people on social media basking in the warmth of the sun seems to be very good. You may also like to have this kind of life. You may want to be as rich as your friends and neighbors. Finding them in a better situation, you may feel desperate and glum. Just because you know the one side of the story, it does not mean what you think is reality. Nobody would like to tell you about grievances. Nobody would like to discuss their financial problems, health issues, family separation and other problems. So, you do not need to conclude without knowing the full story. You should be satisfied with what you have. Your financial situation will not improve at all by comparing it. So why do it?
Conclusion: Desperation is a bad thing and it is my wish that you never run into it. Mostly, it is a bait that the devil uses to trap people into his cruel claws. It is very hard to notice the difference between fake and real when desperation is pushing to have something/someone. And as Paul writes to the people of Romans, May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. (Romans 15:13)
Do you feel I have left out on some points? Let me know in the comment section. For more inquiries reach me through info@sammyquen.com.
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